Poppies

Normally, I love an outfit that instantly transports me back in time. But in some cases, a dress becomes so emotionally loaded that I can't wear it without traveling right back into a certain frame of mind. For better or for worse, this is one of those dresses.

The last time I wore this dress, I was in a special place I loved with a person I loved. The last time I wore this dress, I had a good day with that person, which was a rarer event than one might guess. The last time I wore this dress, I was 40 pounds heavier and my mind was heavy with worry all the time. Just because this dress fit me better back then doesn't mean that everything was a perfect fit. Both my body and my mind are lighter now, but my heart's still weighed down in a lot of ways.

The last time... I guess I decided that this was the last time. The last time I would let him take advantage of my kindness and my forgiveness and my openness. The last time I would cry in front of him and because of him. The last time I might ever see him. So I made it count and called him out and gave voice to the truths I had wanted to express for so long and acknowledged the stinging realizations that came on fast and remain stuck in my mind. The last time I would stand by and let him hurt someone else like me – someone who is probably willing to overlook mistakes and who finds the joy in everything and who is too trusting and who ignores the red flags and who has a lot going for her and who doesn't deserve to be subjected to anything as ugly as alcoholism can be. I'm paying a price for my honesty and for my courage, but I wasn't about to let this be like every other time when I looked past the nastiness and saw only the sweetness. Instead, I saw him for who he chose to be... and my heart broke even more. But at least now there's something else fueling me and moving me forward, rather than having an excuse to stay stuck and fixate on what's left behind.

Poppies are often used as a symbol of remembrance. I didn't plan this symbolism out when I shot these photos, but I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm finding significant meaning in what I'm wearing. Six months ago, I'd reminisce and romanticize the good things (however few and far between). Now, I'm reminded of all the bad things and of the worst versions of ourselves and I know I don't ever want to be in that position again. Poppies can also indicate sleep or death, but I feel more awake and more alive than I have in who knows how long, despite the fact that part of me is gone for good and I still find it hard to even breathe sometimes. But, appropriately enough, I guess that's what happens when you get hooked and when you finally remember what it feels like to not be under that influence anymore.

These flowers are also left on graves, so it's only fitting that I'm grieving. Mourning doesn't always look like or feel like what you'd expect. It isn't linear and it doesn't involve just one emotion and it doesn't fit neatly into a nice little box – which, in all its confusion, perfectly aligns with many of the other seemingly impossible situations I've encountered over the past three years. That doesn't make it any easier to understand or make the healing happen faster. But I know what I'm capable of – and I know that I will blossom anew again, in spite of it all.

Outfit Details

Chelsea Dress in Poppy Field: Bernie Dexter

Red Poppy Necklace: c/o Hop Skip & Flutter

Boater hat: similar  ||  Sandals: Naturalizer (half off!)

Be good to yourselves, my friends. You're all you've got.

Self-Care Tips For Introverts and Highly Sensitive People

I always intended to give this space a fashion focus, rather than making it a true lifestyle blog. But on occasion, I've talked about my personal struggles. These posts have been scary to publish, but they've also been really cathartic (and have often been well-received). I've written about breakups and heartbreak, as well as identity, self-esteem, and the importance of vulnerability. I've always been careful to not turn this blog into a journal, but I also fear that my posts are sometimes too superficial.

Next month, my blog will turn four years old. I'm proud of that accomplishment, but I sort of feel like I'm not doing enough with it. And while I didn't make this an official resolution, I want to branch out a bit in terms of my content – specifically with interesting or challenging things that aren't necessarily related to personal style but that are very much personal to me.

Pictured: The Highly Sensitive Person ||  Sensitive enamel pin c/o Color Theory
Target candles and bottle brush tree (similar)

...Which brings me to today's post. I've been incredibly stressed out and totally drained lately. Learning how to balance a creative and demanding full-time job, rehearsals and performances, a relationship, blogging, and various other responsibilities has been a real struggle. As an introvert and highly sensitive person, the pressure of these obligations often takes a bigger emotional and physical toll than it might for others. While we tend to thrive in creative, unconventional environments, there are times when the world gets a little too overwhelming for us.

Even though I work pretty well under pressure, I know that I require significant time alone in order to recharge. But when you barely have any downtime, that can be much easier said than done. It's not always realistic to take substantial time off from work, so I have to take advantage of what little free time I have. If you're feeling anxious, stressed out, particularly sensitive, emotional, or just plain burnt out, you might just need a little break from it all. Below are some of my favorite coping mechanisms and self-care methods for my fellow introverts and HSPs – but I think they'll be of benefit to just about anyone.

Spend time in nature

I was in a near-constant state of anxiety this past summer. When I couldn't figure out what else to do with myself, my instincts took me outside. I don't consider myself to be a very outdoorsy person, but whenever I spend time in nature, my mood lifts and my mind feels much more at ease. It's actually been scientifically proven that taking walks in nature can help reduce stress and can even stave off depression. I'll usually head to a local park, but backyards, hiking trails, or other green spaces work well, too. This can also be helpful if you live with other people and don't have a private space in your home.

Get moving

I think most of us know that exercise helps us both physically and mentally/emotionally, but it's easy for me to forget how big an impact it has on my well-being. Any fan of Legally Blonde knows that exercise releases endorphins! Plus, working out can act as a distraction and as a means for reducing frustrations or even solving problems. I've never been a fitness queen by any means, but doing some kind of physical activity on a regular basis allows me to sleep better at night, have more energy during the day, and generally feel happier, more accomplished, and more confident. This year, I want to branch out and try something like Zumba (or maybe tackle yoga again) in addition to walking outside or on the treadmill/elliptical.

Escape to another world

Sometimes you need to check out of your own reality for a little while. One of my favorite ways to do this is by getting sucked into a good book or by watching a comforting TV show or movie. While it's not good to run away from your problems, these activities allow me to relax and shift my focus. When I'm too brain-dead or anxious to be productive, I'll turn on an episode of Friends, watch a Disney movie, or read a bit of this book (a gift from my dear friend and fellow HSP, Rusty). Personally, listening to music when I'm stressed tends to backfire – it's usually a bit too stimulating – but I know that many people find it to be a good option.

Write it down or talk it out

Though I've never tried it, my friend Rusty says that journaling his thoughts has been a very helpful practice for him. If you can put what you're feeling into words, it can allow you to see things more objectively. I think therapy can also be extremely beneficial, and I wish there wasn't such a stigma about seeking it out. There are a couple of friends I'd feel comfortable talking to as well, but I don't always want to talk to someone else about my problems; I tend to want to work them out for myself. Writing down what you're experiencing can help you look at things from a different angle or take out unnecessary emotion from the equation.

Consider your environment

Until recently, I never realized what a huge role my surroundings play in my overall mood. When I was living with my parents, I felt constantly on-edge because I felt like I never had any privacy. I'm so much happier living on my own, surrounded by things that bring me joy. Another thing I've learned: I can be a messy person, but messes tend to make me anxious. One of my main resolutions for 2017 was to stay on top of the housework and generally be more organized. Since I work from home a lot now, I've found that I need to be in an environment that makes me feel calm. I also decorate with touches that make me feel happy whenever I see them. If you live with roommates or a partner, try to find a quiet space that's all yours for when you're feeling overstimulated or overwhelmed for even a few minutes of precious alone time.

Make a plan, list, or schedule

I'm not sure whether this is true for all introverts and HSPs, but I think a lot of us tend to be "type A." Many of us are perfectionists and planners. I tend to get totally overwhelmed if I have a lot of tasks to complete; for a long time, my response was to avoid them altogether because I didn't know how to tackle them without getting stressed. Often, I find that making a list, a schedule, or a plan with specific goals or a timeline can help a lot. I know that I don't do well when I have to wing it. Even if I end up deviating from a schedule, I can have that to work from. Since I essentially make my own work schedule now, it's more important than ever for me to plan out my days. I always make sure to schedule in breaks for when I'm feeling too tired or stressed!

Think about what you put in your body

Admittedly, I am not usually very good at this one. I think it's best to strike a balance between eating thoughtfully and healthfully (i.e., thinking of food as fuel for your body to do its best work) and letting yourself indulge and enjoy. For me, equating food with comfort tends to be a slippery slope because I often turn to junk food when I'm feeling stressed. I have a wicked sweet tooth, and I'm currently struggling to keep it in check. One of my other resolutions for the new year was to be much more mindful of what I'm eating. Weight Watchers has been really helpful for me in that regard because it makes me much more accountable, but food journaling or making a conscious effort to follow certain food standards can help, too.

In addition, HSPs in particular tend to be a lot more sensitive to any substances like caffeine, sugar, or alcohol. Although I drink more caffeine now than I used to, I have to be very careful about how much I have. If I have too much, I'll be anxious and jittery for hours. I can't even take Midol because there's caffeine in it! I never really enjoyed drinking all that much in college and I actually don't drink at all now. It's a personal preference, and if you like a glass of wine at the end of a long day, that's okay too. But if you find your caffeine or alcohol intake is affecting your ability to sleep at night or be productive during the day, you might consider cutting down a bit.

Find comfort in a furry friend

Those of us with canine or feline friends are very lucky in that our pets are natural mood stabilizers. Studies have shown that caring for a dog as an adult can lower stress levels and can reduce depression. It's also been proven that a cat's purr can reduce stress and provide a host of other physical benefits. While they may not always do what we'd like them to do when we're upset or anxious (I'm looking at you, Pumpkin), the act of showing affection to your kitty or pup will likely make you feel much calmer – and your pet will enjoy it, too.

Give yourself permission to unplug

In the digital age, we're constantly connected to our devices and our social networks. There's a lot of pressure to be constantly engaged, and while there are benefits that go along with that, it can be a big source of anxiety. This election season was especially overwhelming. I purposely took a break from Facebook for a weekend afterwards and it helped a lot. Although there are a lot of things to enjoy about these platforms, I make it a point to enjoy my life instead of merely documenting it. I might have less engagement and fewer followers, but I'd so much rather spend time with people I love – or by myself – than feel like my life is ruled by social media. Remember that it is perfectly okay (and advisable, even) to take a break from your personal tech use.

Get pampered

I find that getting a massage or taking a personal day to catch up on rest can be two of the best things I can do for both my body and mind. No matter your preference, self-care methods are extremely important for overall well-being. Taking a long, hot shower or bubble bath can do wonders. Paint your nails, have a blow-out at the salon, take yourself out to lunch, or meet up with a friend for tea. Reward yourself in a way that acknowledges your hard work and invigorates you for what's to come. Put your own comfort ahead of your other obligations for the day (or at least part of the day). 

Go exploring

Whether you want to take a weekend trip out of town or want to spend the afternoon exploring a familiar place, a change of scenery can also change your entire perspective. I know not everyone can take time off from work and family life to take a vacation, but if you're able, you should. Studies have actually shown that just planning your trip will give you a huge happiness boost – oftentimes more so than the vacation itself! That's why it's better to plan a trip well in advance; the anticipation is even more rewarding than the relaxation. Of course, exploring a new place can be exciting and can help you forget your stress. When you return from being away, you can look at your responsibilities with fresh eyes and a renewed spirit.

Acknowledge what you're feeling and tell others what you need

Above all, don't be afraid to ask for help or to tell important people in your life what you need. This can be difficult to communicate when you're overwhelmed, but if you can't express it at the time, reflect on it afterwards. That way, you can tell your friends, family, or significant other how they can help you when you need it. For instance, laughter always helps me a LOT. Whether it's intentional or sheer instinct, my boyfriend knows how to make me laugh when I'm feeling stressed out and it's a huge relief. It helps me breathe and acts as a great reset button.

It's also important to acknowledge how you're feeling, rather than denying or ignoring what you're experiencing. Being honest with yourself and others is how we learn and grow. There's no shame in feeling overwhelmed or being highly sensitive. But acknowledging these things allows us to discover how to deal with issues that inevitably come up. You're likely pretty hard on yourself as it is, so remember to be patient and forgiving for your own sake.

Do you have any favorite coping strategies that I didn't mention? Let me know in the comments! I'm always looking for new ways to wind down and refuel. And if you're wondering whether you might be a Highly Sensitive Person, this HSP test might help you figure it out. Finally, let me know if there's anything you'd like to see or learn more about here this year. I'd love to hear from you!

Tough Topics: On heartbreak

I have often wondered: why is calling someone a heartbreaker a quasi-compliment?  Referring to someone that way is often expressed with reverence.  We hate the heartbreak, but we admire the heartbreaker.  Is it that we're in awe of those who have the ability to inflict that specific type of pain on someone else?  Maybe the title has some kind of implied strength.  But all it suggests to me is cowardice and a lack of honesty.  The reason I wanted to write more on my blog was to be more honest; this post is about as candid as I could possibly get in a public forum.  Read on if you're interested in something other than a fanciful outfit post this morning.

It's officially been a year since the person I considered to be the love of my life broke my heart.  I'd had my heart broken by other careless boys before, but those small pains paled in comparison to this.  This one hurt.  It still hurts -- much more than I would care to admit.  We talked about our future in terms of "when," not "if."  We spoke about marriage so often that he had vintage wedding ring websites bookmarked.  We devoted an entire road trip to figuring out the names of our hypothetical children.  So what do you do when you still haven't fully accepted that everything you envisioned for your future is just gone?

This is something that's always on my mind on some level, and it's also right on the surface for me -- so much so that it can make me cry at the drop of a hat.  I don't want to be accused of bad-mouthing him (though he may deserve it) or be ridiculed for holding on when I should let go.  I know that I absolutely should, and I beat myself up a lot for not being over it.  There's an old adage (or is it a quote from Sex and the City?) that says it takes half the time you were with someone to get over him.  If that's true, I guess I have another six months to go.  But I have a hard time putting an expiration date on grief at all.  Everyone mourns in his or her own way, on his or her own time table.  As much as I sometimes wish I could, I cannot simply make myself get over it and move on.  I'm an impatient person by nature, and even though I know that time heals all wounds, there is a part of me that wishes I could have moved on as quickly as he did.  But there is another part -- a much bigger part -- of me that realizes that I'd rather be deeply affected by our breakup than pretend our relationship never even existed.

I really didn't intend on writing about this.  I was hoping to not have to commemorate our breakup with a post like some weird, twisted anniversary.  But then I start to wonder why it's socially acceptable to openly mourn the death of a loved one, and yet we're all in such a hurry to get over the person who, at one time, meant more to us than any other.  For all intents and purposes, a breakup is a death, and this one has always felt especially so because of its complete and utter finality.  I feel haunted by the ghost of what our relationship once was, and of the person who -- very suddenly and without any subsequent closure -- removed himself from my life.  He moved on way too quickly with a girl who is my exact physical opposite in every way.  (I don't think it can be considered a rebound when they're still together.)  I'm not proud of the jealous and unattractive version of myself that comes out when I think about her or when I've seen her photos.  Sometimes I feel as if the only way I can gain some semblance of control is to snark on her to anyone who will listen.  And I hate that.  It's not her fault that he hurt me, but I have to admit (and please don't judge me too harshly here) that it makes me feel better to hear superficial, positive things about myself, and negative ones about her.  My ex did such a number on my self-esteem that it's hard not to want to hear that I'm prettier than her or am otherwise superior to her.  And it's hard to reconcile the fact that my ex always made me feel so attractive during our relationship with the fact that he did a complete 180, told his friends that I got fat, and immediately started dating a girl that he would have formerly found physically repugnant.  According to a mutual friend, the boy that I knew and loved is basically gone; he's apparently a totally different person now.  It makes me wonder if I ever knew him to begin with (or, that old chestnut, whether we can really know anyone), or if he really knows himself.  And if everything I thought we had was built on a lie.  It's a painful idea to have to entertain.

That same friend told me that it was almost as if my ex committed a crime and walked away scot-free, while I'm stuck doing the time.  I do feel as if I were framed sometimes.  I was blamed for everything and he got to start a completely new life, without a second thought, without ever taking any responsibility, and without ever looking back.  And I'm still not sure how to pick up the pieces.  I know I am the only one who can decide to not be held prisoner by my circumstances, but that proves to be easier said than done.  I fully acknowledge the mistakes I made, and I am constantly working on ways I can improve myself.  But even with my faults, I still deserved an ending that was indicative of the special and loving relationship I always believed we had.  Or, barring that, I deserved an ending that was at least respectful.  I am fully aware that breakups are never pleasant.  They are rarely mutual, and in this situation, ours was always going to be painful.  But after three years, I deserved more than a cold-hearted phone call from 400 miles away.  I deserved better than to be blocked on social media and erased from memory.  I deserved some semblance of closure.  Ultimately, I guess it's up to me to create my own closure.  He essentially refused to provide that for me at the time, and I don't think I'll ever get it from him.  I can't let anything he does (or doesn't do) continue to affect my life.  And maybe that's one of the hardest things to come to terms with -- that our lives are no longer intertwined.  I'm still mourning the future with him that I'll never have.

I think heartbreak is one of the most awful conditions that we as human beings have to endure.  In my experience, it's far worse than physical injury.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  And if you're currently experiencing it, please know how sorry I am.  There's really nothing anything that anyone can say to take away the hurt.  You just have to surround yourself with as much love -- the unconditional kind -- as you can.  I still miss him every day.  Some nights, I still cry myself to sleep.  I dream of him often.  I wish I were in a place where I could get past it.  I'll get there at some point, but in the meantime, I am where I am.  I'm trying to live in the present, and I'm trying to not be so hard on myself for not being as over it as I "should" be.  I don't want to dwell, which is why I mostly focus on the positive on my blog.  I'm probably pretty skilled at faking it in real life (I'm guess that theatre degree comes in handy), but sometimes, it's more that I simply want to feel happy and therefore, I try really hard to find the joy.  And 9 times out of 10, I find it.  But once and a while, I just need to let myself feel the sadness, because it's there.  I can't deny the way I'm feeling, and I don't think I should have to.  I can't please everyone all the time.  My obligation at this point is to be honest with myself, and to make progress at my own pace.  Healing a broken heart takes a lot longer than a broken bone; it's not like you can slap a cast on it, and in this case, relying on a crutch is counterproductive.  All I can do is be kind to myself, be in tune with what I need more or less of, and take stock of all the good things in my life.  And cling to the hope that, despite (or perhaps because of) all that has happened, things will turn out for the best in the end.

Thank you for listening.

xox Sammi      

Tough Topics: On vulnerability

I'm trying something a little bit different with this post.  For a while now, I've been feeling like I should do some more "real" writing on my blog.  I always write fashion-related commentary, and I usually give small updates about my life, but there are some other, deeper subjects I've been wanting to tackle.  I've tried to make my blog a source of positive energy; I like having it be an escape from reality on some level (which is partially why I don't ever write posts that are fully devoted to my life in the theatre), and I think it's really important not to get bogged down (or bog you all down) with the trials and tribulations of my everyday stresses.  I've said this before, but I never want to come off as a ranting, raving writer.  I've seen it happen with other bloggers, and it's absolutely the quickest way to get me to unfollow people (and generally, I don't even bother with unfollowing!).  At the same time, I do think it's important to have maintain an honest and open line of communication, and I don't want to sugarcoat my life.  It's a fine line to walk, and I'd like to think that I've become pretty aware of this necessary balance and have done a fairly good job of maintaining it.

It's interesting to me that some of my most popular posts have actually been the ones I've written about important losses in my life -- decidedly heart-wrenching stuff.  My top 10 most-read posts include the 3 saddest ones: namely, the posts about my break-up, about my grandma's passing, and about the death of a dear friend.  One of the reasons for the popularity of these posts might be the fact that people who don't normally read my blog (i.e., family members and friends) find their way to these particular ones, but I think it also speaks to the power of vulnerability.  It's an interesting dichotomy.  It takes a lot of courage to write from your soul and show the most fragile parts of ourselves to people you've never met.  There's a huge amount of power that comes from being able to release that heartbreak.  Of course, it doesn't take away the hurt you experience, but being able to put pen to paper (so to speak) is incredibly helpful when trying to sort out your feelings.  I've also been fortunate enough to receive a plethora of kind and supportive comments from my readers, and when you send words out into the void, it's incredibly reassuring to know that you are not alone.

Photo via Modern Girl Blitz

I think it's a pretty common phenomenon for those in my generation to get to know people exclusively online.  We are saturated with technology, which can be both a wonderful and awful thing.  Sometimes it means we don't connect to people as well when we're face-to-face.  But it also gives us an opportunity to make a connection with people we might not otherwise meet.  And when you get the chance to meet those people "for real," it can be a bit scary and intimidating.  In many ways, even though you expose yourself to a bigger and more diversified audience when you post online, it's actually more challenging to do it in person.  There's more pressure.  Much more is on the line.  You can't hide behind your writing.  But it's ultimately really rewarding when you can transfer those internet friendships into real world ones.  When I finally had the opportunity to meet Kristina and Midge this weekend, we did a lot of blog talk.  I don't often get to talk about blogging with people I know, so it was a nice change of pace.  Among other things, we talked a bit about the formats of blogs, and I had mentioned how I don't necessarily feel qualified to speak as an authority on certain topics (and therefore don't include them on my blog).  I think hair and makeup tutorials are great, but frankly, I know only what works on me, and I wouldn't feel comfortable promoting myself as an expert on most beauty topics, even ones I know my readers would find interesting.  Similarly, I am in no way qualified to speak on photography, cooking or crafting DIYs.  As with many things, I learn as I go via trial and error, and I think asserting one's self as an authority on those topics without the skills to back it up is a recipe for disaster.  But I had already been a bit worried that perhaps I do too many outfit posts without enough variety in between, and Kristina kind of confirmed this fear for me.  As a Highly Sensitive Person, I am prone to obsessing and getting defensive about comments such as these; part of me wanted to cite the other types of posts I do ("What about Friday Favorites?!  Blogger interviews?!  Label Love?!"), and analyze it all to death.  But then I stopped and thought about it, and realized that feedback like this is priceless.  It's coming from someone who genuinely likes my blog and my aesthetic, but is still able to give an honest opinion on how to make it better.  I'm the type of person who always wants to grow and learn.  When you stop improving upon your art, you're no longer an artist.  That's not to say that my blog is "art," per se, but it is a creative outlet, and in any creative field, I firmly believe that becoming stagnant is equivalent to death.  And so, I always challenge myself to do more, to continue to put myself out there -- even when it's really uncomfortable and scary -- and to never be truly satisfied.  I suppose this can be exhausting, but I think it's also the only way you can further yourself as a human being (and especially as an artistically-inclined one).

The point of all of this is, I have some ideas for some more writing-based posts.  I always end up gravitating towards alliteration, so for lack of a better title, "Tough Topics" will have to do.  There's been one about self-esteem floating around in my head for a long time, as well as some on creating your own happiness, staying motivated, and the ins and outs of being a Highly Sensitive Person.  My question is this: what do you think?  Is there actually any interest in something like this?  I know a lot of you might come here specifically for quirky, kitschy dresses and petticoats (which, believe me, I understand), and you might not have any interest in anything more than that.  And if that's the case, I don't necessarily want to push for something that won't interest people, though if it's something I'm passionate about, then I think there might be at least a little bit of interest.  Basically, I need your help!  I'd love to have your input on whether or not you think these posts would be well-received.  In addition, if there are other topics that you've wanted to see me write about, or questions you might have, please leave a comment about those, too!  I have some other ideas for different types of posts as well, but this is especially appealing to me right now.  It's wouldn't be an all-the-time occurrence, but I do think there's a need for some variety, and since I feel that writing is a skill I possess, it's better for me to play to my strengths than to try and venture into territory with which I don't feel comfortable (beauty tutorials, recipes and DIYs) or a medium I don't necessarily like (video).  I believe in the importance of vulnerability, and I guess I do feel a need to put myself out there in some way.  So perhaps this is a good way to do that.  And if there isn't any interest... then at least I tried.  There is never any shame in that.  And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, it comes from a place of fear.  Vulnerability encompasses both being brave and being afraid.  That's what makes it so beautiful.  And so worth the risk.

Thank you for listening & have a beautiful day.

xox Sammi