Blooming

Things around here are finally starting to bud and bloom, so I thought it was the perfect time to wear this gorgeous floral print dress from Voodoo Vixen. Before I get into the details on this dress, I wanted to share something that happened when I took these photos. I have a feeling it's not a unique story, especially for other bloggers, but it's been bugging me ever since.

Although I take a lot of photos of myself, I prefer to do so in a quiet area without many people around. I hate taking photos in public places, so if I have to do it, I'll try to go during a not-so-popular time. These flower murals (which I've wanted to use as a backdrop for a long time) are painted on the side of a beloved Rochester shop. I decided to go in the early morning, hours before they opened. No one was around, but it's not a secluded area by any means, so I thought it'd be fine.

Of course, as I'm setting up to take photos, a squirrelly looking guy in his 40s comes into the parking lot and starts walking towards me. He's got his earbuds in and is singing to himself. He gets closer, looking at me. I'm not exactly worried  – more like annoyed – but then he pulls out his phone to take a picture of me. This is while I'm busying myself with settings on my camera, mind you, not while I'm posing in front of it. I can't think of anything good to say (I think I said something eloquent like, "uh, I don't need you taking pictures of me, thanks"), and at this point, I'm wary of saying anything too abrasive anyway because I'm alone and relatively defenseless. After a good minute or two, he slowly walks across the parking lot, still looking at me. Then, he goes over to a car and starts talking to the driver. I'm hopeful that he's leaving, but then he comes back and continues to watch me. Then, the car comes into the parking lot, and the driver gets out. The two of them start talking – loudly, almost suspiciously so. I hear the squirrelly guy tell his friend about his encounter with me, mocking me with my own words and laughing. I'm on my guard, but don't want to pack everything up and get in the car; I have a right to be there and I don't feel like I'm in extreme danger. After what seems like an eternity, the pair finally drive away. I feel like I can breathe again and I finish taking my photos in peace.

The thing is, nothing bad happened, really. I wasn't physically assaulted. I wasn't even catcalled. I'm not trying to make something out of nothing. But this is precisely the kind of bullshit women have to deal with on a daily basis. And I resent the fact I apparently need to bring along my boyfriend or another person just to make sure that nobody invades my personal space and ruins my morning. I realize #notallmen are like this (ugh), but it's way too common and represents a huge problem that many people fail to recognize. So please: if you are in a position to speak up about this sort of behavior when you see it, do it. No one should have to feel unsafe just because she's a woman going about her routine.

All that being said... this dress is everything. The print isn't a typical spring floral, which makes it a bit more versatile for year-round wear. In all honesty, I think this is my absolute favorite Voodoo Vixen dress I've ever owned. The fit is amazing (and it has pockets, yay!), and I love the silhouette. Plus, the print makes me realize how much I feel like I'm blossoming along with the flowers. Last year at this time, I was so overwhelmed with figuring out what I was going to do with my life. And now, I have a creatively fulfilling job at which I excel, I'm starting to take control of my health, and I'm in a relationship with someone I really care about. It may not always be easy and I may not handle everything with poise, but I'm so excited about what this spring will be and I feel so proud about how far I've come.

Outfit Details

Allie Dark Floral Dress: c/o Voodoo Vixen

Shoes: similar  ||  Necklace: similar

Belt: from another dress

In addition to Voodoo Vixen's new spring/summer line (which is just beautiful), they're having an Easter sale on some of their earlier pieces. So if there's something you've had your eye on, be sure to grab it quick like a bunny!

Tough Topics: On heartbreak

I have often wondered: why is calling someone a heartbreaker a quasi-compliment?  Referring to someone that way is often expressed with reverence.  We hate the heartbreak, but we admire the heartbreaker.  Is it that we're in awe of those who have the ability to inflict that specific type of pain on someone else?  Maybe the title has some kind of implied strength.  But all it suggests to me is cowardice and a lack of honesty.  The reason I wanted to write more on my blog was to be more honest; this post is about as candid as I could possibly get in a public forum.  Read on if you're interested in something other than a fanciful outfit post this morning.

It's officially been a year since the person I considered to be the love of my life broke my heart.  I'd had my heart broken by other careless boys before, but those small pains paled in comparison to this.  This one hurt.  It still hurts -- much more than I would care to admit.  We talked about our future in terms of "when," not "if."  We spoke about marriage so often that he had vintage wedding ring websites bookmarked.  We devoted an entire road trip to figuring out the names of our hypothetical children.  So what do you do when you still haven't fully accepted that everything you envisioned for your future is just gone?

This is something that's always on my mind on some level, and it's also right on the surface for me -- so much so that it can make me cry at the drop of a hat.  I don't want to be accused of bad-mouthing him (though he may deserve it) or be ridiculed for holding on when I should let go.  I know that I absolutely should, and I beat myself up a lot for not being over it.  There's an old adage (or is it a quote from Sex and the City?) that says it takes half the time you were with someone to get over him.  If that's true, I guess I have another six months to go.  But I have a hard time putting an expiration date on grief at all.  Everyone mourns in his or her own way, on his or her own time table.  As much as I sometimes wish I could, I cannot simply make myself get over it and move on.  I'm an impatient person by nature, and even though I know that time heals all wounds, there is a part of me that wishes I could have moved on as quickly as he did.  But there is another part -- a much bigger part -- of me that realizes that I'd rather be deeply affected by our breakup than pretend our relationship never even existed.

I really didn't intend on writing about this.  I was hoping to not have to commemorate our breakup with a post like some weird, twisted anniversary.  But then I start to wonder why it's socially acceptable to openly mourn the death of a loved one, and yet we're all in such a hurry to get over the person who, at one time, meant more to us than any other.  For all intents and purposes, a breakup is a death, and this one has always felt especially so because of its complete and utter finality.  I feel haunted by the ghost of what our relationship once was, and of the person who -- very suddenly and without any subsequent closure -- removed himself from my life.  He moved on way too quickly with a girl who is my exact physical opposite in every way.  (I don't think it can be considered a rebound when they're still together.)  I'm not proud of the jealous and unattractive version of myself that comes out when I think about her or when I've seen her photos.  Sometimes I feel as if the only way I can gain some semblance of control is to snark on her to anyone who will listen.  And I hate that.  It's not her fault that he hurt me, but I have to admit (and please don't judge me too harshly here) that it makes me feel better to hear superficial, positive things about myself, and negative ones about her.  My ex did such a number on my self-esteem that it's hard not to want to hear that I'm prettier than her or am otherwise superior to her.  And it's hard to reconcile the fact that my ex always made me feel so attractive during our relationship with the fact that he did a complete 180, told his friends that I got fat, and immediately started dating a girl that he would have formerly found physically repugnant.  According to a mutual friend, the boy that I knew and loved is basically gone; he's apparently a totally different person now.  It makes me wonder if I ever knew him to begin with (or, that old chestnut, whether we can really know anyone), or if he really knows himself.  And if everything I thought we had was built on a lie.  It's a painful idea to have to entertain.

That same friend told me that it was almost as if my ex committed a crime and walked away scot-free, while I'm stuck doing the time.  I do feel as if I were framed sometimes.  I was blamed for everything and he got to start a completely new life, without a second thought, without ever taking any responsibility, and without ever looking back.  And I'm still not sure how to pick up the pieces.  I know I am the only one who can decide to not be held prisoner by my circumstances, but that proves to be easier said than done.  I fully acknowledge the mistakes I made, and I am constantly working on ways I can improve myself.  But even with my faults, I still deserved an ending that was indicative of the special and loving relationship I always believed we had.  Or, barring that, I deserved an ending that was at least respectful.  I am fully aware that breakups are never pleasant.  They are rarely mutual, and in this situation, ours was always going to be painful.  But after three years, I deserved more than a cold-hearted phone call from 400 miles away.  I deserved better than to be blocked on social media and erased from memory.  I deserved some semblance of closure.  Ultimately, I guess it's up to me to create my own closure.  He essentially refused to provide that for me at the time, and I don't think I'll ever get it from him.  I can't let anything he does (or doesn't do) continue to affect my life.  And maybe that's one of the hardest things to come to terms with -- that our lives are no longer intertwined.  I'm still mourning the future with him that I'll never have.

I think heartbreak is one of the most awful conditions that we as human beings have to endure.  In my experience, it's far worse than physical injury.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  And if you're currently experiencing it, please know how sorry I am.  There's really nothing anything that anyone can say to take away the hurt.  You just have to surround yourself with as much love -- the unconditional kind -- as you can.  I still miss him every day.  Some nights, I still cry myself to sleep.  I dream of him often.  I wish I were in a place where I could get past it.  I'll get there at some point, but in the meantime, I am where I am.  I'm trying to live in the present, and I'm trying to not be so hard on myself for not being as over it as I "should" be.  I don't want to dwell, which is why I mostly focus on the positive on my blog.  I'm probably pretty skilled at faking it in real life (I'm guess that theatre degree comes in handy), but sometimes, it's more that I simply want to feel happy and therefore, I try really hard to find the joy.  And 9 times out of 10, I find it.  But once and a while, I just need to let myself feel the sadness, because it's there.  I can't deny the way I'm feeling, and I don't think I should have to.  I can't please everyone all the time.  My obligation at this point is to be honest with myself, and to make progress at my own pace.  Healing a broken heart takes a lot longer than a broken bone; it's not like you can slap a cast on it, and in this case, relying on a crutch is counterproductive.  All I can do is be kind to myself, be in tune with what I need more or less of, and take stock of all the good things in my life.  And cling to the hope that, despite (or perhaps because of) all that has happened, things will turn out for the best in the end.

Thank you for listening.

xox Sammi      

Tough Topics: On vulnerability

I'm trying something a little bit different with this post.  For a while now, I've been feeling like I should do some more "real" writing on my blog.  I always write fashion-related commentary, and I usually give small updates about my life, but there are some other, deeper subjects I've been wanting to tackle.  I've tried to make my blog a source of positive energy; I like having it be an escape from reality on some level (which is partially why I don't ever write posts that are fully devoted to my life in the theatre), and I think it's really important not to get bogged down (or bog you all down) with the trials and tribulations of my everyday stresses.  I've said this before, but I never want to come off as a ranting, raving writer.  I've seen it happen with other bloggers, and it's absolutely the quickest way to get me to unfollow people (and generally, I don't even bother with unfollowing!).  At the same time, I do think it's important to have maintain an honest and open line of communication, and I don't want to sugarcoat my life.  It's a fine line to walk, and I'd like to think that I've become pretty aware of this necessary balance and have done a fairly good job of maintaining it.

It's interesting to me that some of my most popular posts have actually been the ones I've written about important losses in my life -- decidedly heart-wrenching stuff.  My top 10 most-read posts include the 3 saddest ones: namely, the posts about my break-up, about my grandma's passing, and about the death of a dear friend.  One of the reasons for the popularity of these posts might be the fact that people who don't normally read my blog (i.e., family members and friends) find their way to these particular ones, but I think it also speaks to the power of vulnerability.  It's an interesting dichotomy.  It takes a lot of courage to write from your soul and show the most fragile parts of ourselves to people you've never met.  There's a huge amount of power that comes from being able to release that heartbreak.  Of course, it doesn't take away the hurt you experience, but being able to put pen to paper (so to speak) is incredibly helpful when trying to sort out your feelings.  I've also been fortunate enough to receive a plethora of kind and supportive comments from my readers, and when you send words out into the void, it's incredibly reassuring to know that you are not alone.

Photo via Modern Girl Blitz

I think it's a pretty common phenomenon for those in my generation to get to know people exclusively online.  We are saturated with technology, which can be both a wonderful and awful thing.  Sometimes it means we don't connect to people as well when we're face-to-face.  But it also gives us an opportunity to make a connection with people we might not otherwise meet.  And when you get the chance to meet those people "for real," it can be a bit scary and intimidating.  In many ways, even though you expose yourself to a bigger and more diversified audience when you post online, it's actually more challenging to do it in person.  There's more pressure.  Much more is on the line.  You can't hide behind your writing.  But it's ultimately really rewarding when you can transfer those internet friendships into real world ones.  When I finally had the opportunity to meet Kristina and Midge this weekend, we did a lot of blog talk.  I don't often get to talk about blogging with people I know, so it was a nice change of pace.  Among other things, we talked a bit about the formats of blogs, and I had mentioned how I don't necessarily feel qualified to speak as an authority on certain topics (and therefore don't include them on my blog).  I think hair and makeup tutorials are great, but frankly, I know only what works on me, and I wouldn't feel comfortable promoting myself as an expert on most beauty topics, even ones I know my readers would find interesting.  Similarly, I am in no way qualified to speak on photography, cooking or crafting DIYs.  As with many things, I learn as I go via trial and error, and I think asserting one's self as an authority on those topics without the skills to back it up is a recipe for disaster.  But I had already been a bit worried that perhaps I do too many outfit posts without enough variety in between, and Kristina kind of confirmed this fear for me.  As a Highly Sensitive Person, I am prone to obsessing and getting defensive about comments such as these; part of me wanted to cite the other types of posts I do ("What about Friday Favorites?!  Blogger interviews?!  Label Love?!"), and analyze it all to death.  But then I stopped and thought about it, and realized that feedback like this is priceless.  It's coming from someone who genuinely likes my blog and my aesthetic, but is still able to give an honest opinion on how to make it better.  I'm the type of person who always wants to grow and learn.  When you stop improving upon your art, you're no longer an artist.  That's not to say that my blog is "art," per se, but it is a creative outlet, and in any creative field, I firmly believe that becoming stagnant is equivalent to death.  And so, I always challenge myself to do more, to continue to put myself out there -- even when it's really uncomfortable and scary -- and to never be truly satisfied.  I suppose this can be exhausting, but I think it's also the only way you can further yourself as a human being (and especially as an artistically-inclined one).

The point of all of this is, I have some ideas for some more writing-based posts.  I always end up gravitating towards alliteration, so for lack of a better title, "Tough Topics" will have to do.  There's been one about self-esteem floating around in my head for a long time, as well as some on creating your own happiness, staying motivated, and the ins and outs of being a Highly Sensitive Person.  My question is this: what do you think?  Is there actually any interest in something like this?  I know a lot of you might come here specifically for quirky, kitschy dresses and petticoats (which, believe me, I understand), and you might not have any interest in anything more than that.  And if that's the case, I don't necessarily want to push for something that won't interest people, though if it's something I'm passionate about, then I think there might be at least a little bit of interest.  Basically, I need your help!  I'd love to have your input on whether or not you think these posts would be well-received.  In addition, if there are other topics that you've wanted to see me write about, or questions you might have, please leave a comment about those, too!  I have some other ideas for different types of posts as well, but this is especially appealing to me right now.  It's wouldn't be an all-the-time occurrence, but I do think there's a need for some variety, and since I feel that writing is a skill I possess, it's better for me to play to my strengths than to try and venture into territory with which I don't feel comfortable (beauty tutorials, recipes and DIYs) or a medium I don't necessarily like (video).  I believe in the importance of vulnerability, and I guess I do feel a need to put myself out there in some way.  So perhaps this is a good way to do that.  And if there isn't any interest... then at least I tried.  There is never any shame in that.  And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, it comes from a place of fear.  Vulnerability encompasses both being brave and being afraid.  That's what makes it so beautiful.  And so worth the risk.

Thank you for listening & have a beautiful day.

xox Sammi