Outfit Details:
Bee My Honey Dress: ModCloth (similar here)
Cardigan: Old Navy (similar here)
Jelly flats: ModCloth (similar here)
Hair bow: American Apparel
Belt: from another dress
Spoon ring: Mom's
I haven't worn this dress in a year. I wore it only once last spring, during an outing with my then-boyfriend. The zipper broke that day, and then soon after, so did our relationship. I've been thinking about it a lot lately (the relationship, not the zipper). I'm not sure whether it's because I'm seeing someone new, or because I'm rehashing things with a mutual friend (and other friends as well), or because the reality of the situation is still settling in for me. It's probably a combination of all three. I yo-yo between seeing everything very clearly in hindsight (as one is wont to do) and being grateful that I'm no longer in that situation, and then missing aspects of our relationship and wondering if I was in the wrong. I caught up with an old friend yesterday, and we talked about how you can come to rationalize just about anything in a relationship. I did a lot of that. My ex probably did, too. We convinced ourselves that we were supposed to spend our lives together, and I really never questioned it. There's a small part of me that still wonders about it. I know ultimately that I am better off now, but I have been thinking a lot about whether or not there is even someone out there who is better-suited for me.
I have never wanted to be cynical; I believe in vulnerability and beauty and true love and joy. I think I need to stop sweeping my feelings under the rug, and just allow myself to feel the way I do. Avoidance helps for a while, but you can't live your life that way. Long story short, this is why I decided to wear this dress again. Yes, it's associated with my lost love... yes, it's painful to think about the fact that he is not in my life anymore... but I will never get to a better place with any of this if I don't challenge myself. I want to move forward in my life. It's strange that a piece of clothing could symbolize that for me... but then again, maybe it's not so strange. Though I didn't manage to mend the relationship, I did mend the zipper by myself. And it's also up to me to mend my heart. No one else can do that for me. I've never been good at letting go of situations or people. But I'm tired of carrying it around with me. I guess admitting all this is the first step to freeing myself of it. I consider myself to be a genuinely happy person, most of the time, but like I said in my last post, I would say that I'm struggling a bit at the moment. Thank you all for allowing me to express this, and for listening. I want my blog to be a positive place, but even more than that, I want it to be an honest one. I do love a healthy dose of fantasy in both my sense of style and my chosen career, but I can't play pretend all the time. I know this isn't the typical escapist copy that I write, so I truly appreciate anyone who has actually read all this, and those who are willing to keep reading.
In closing, I am hopeful. I know I'll figure it out eventually. It's just going to take some time.
Have a beautiful Monday.
xox Sammi
