Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Heartbreak Hotel

Outfit Details:
Top and skirt: ModCloth (old)
Yellow belt: Forever 21 (old)
Daisy brooch: Mom's




It's taken a while for me to be able to write this post.  If you are a regular follower of my blog, you might have noticed that things have been pretty quiet here during the last week or so.  I've never wanted to be someone who airs her dirty laundry on a public forum, nor do I want my posts to come off as whining or ranting.  I usually like to keep my blog a positive place.  However, I can't pretend that I'm anything close to "okay" or "normal" right now.  I don't think I necessarily need to apologize for my absence on my blog, given the circumstances, but I do want to provide a little bit of an explanation, even if it's just for my own selfish, cathartic purposes.

If you've been following me for a while, you might remember that my boyfriend, Steven, moved up to Rochester in June.  We'd been in a long-distance relationship for almost the entire time we'd been together (just shy of 3 years), in some capacity or another.  I had originally planned to move down to the Westchester area, where he is from, but I wasn't financially or emotionally prepared to go back down to the New York area at that time.  So he packed up his life and moved up here to be with me.





Last Thursday, Steven told me he was moving back home, and that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.  That he wasn't happy anymore.  That he wasn't in love with me anymore.  This is, by far, one of the most painful things I have ever known, in part because I was completely blindsided.  I've experienced a lot of heartbreak before, but this will probably be the worst of my lifetime.  To be honest, I hope that it is, because I can't even fathom anything worse.  I know that his heart is broken too -- he kept hoping that this wasn't truly how he was feeling, but he finally had to come to terms with it.  I keep thinking about all the things I could have or should have done differently, but even he said that every decision I made was right for me at that time, and that I couldn't have changed anything.  But it's extremely hard for me not to feel like it's all my fault.



I took these photos just hours before he told me it was over.  The irony of the heart-shaped details is not lost on me.
He may have broken my heart, but my dark sense of humor is still intact.


I had always believed that Steven was my soulmate.  We had much of our future planned out, and I think that's what I'm mourning the most.  I couldn't -- and still can't -- imagine my life without him by my side.  There are emotional land mines everywhere I turn.  Every time I think I'm doing okay, I'll think of something else that we both loved or that we planned to do or of a beautiful memory that we shared, and I'm back in hysterics.  I think it's going to take a very long time before I feel like myself again.  When this first happened, I didn't want to act, didn't want to sing, didn't want to blog or eat or laugh or do anything that I usually love.  It all felt meaningless if I didn't have him in my life.  Though I am still struggling with feeling this way, I am starting to feel better -- better than I predicted I would at this point.  I went to an audition on Monday, and I started feeling like myself again (though it all came crashing down on Tuesday, which was a rough day).  I think this is something I'm just going to have to struggle with for a while; there's no way around it.  It's just going to take time. 



As a result, my posting may become a little more sporadic.  Since I'm going to be throwing myself into rehearsals and shows within the next month, this might have happened anyway, but my circumstances have changed so drastically in such a short amount of time, and I feel it's important for me to not feel pressure to blog if I simply don't feel up to it.  I just hope that this post doesn't drive anyone away.  I wanted to be honest and not gloss over the heartache I'm experiencing for the sake of maintaining some kind of impossibly-positive little blog world.  I've already received so many kind comments through text, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram about this, and they have meant more to me than you can imagine.  There's nothing anyone can say to take away this heartache, but knowing that there are people who care enough to reach out makes all the difference.

Although I am not really religious in any way, I've still taken some solace in thinking that if he and I are meant to be in each other's lives, we will be.  I will always love him deeply.  I only wish he still felt the same way I do.

Thank you for listening.
xox Sammi  

32 comments:

  1. Chin up, my dear. You'll get through this. ♥

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  2. Oh Sammi, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I went through something similar a few years ago and while nothing can heal you but time and tolerance, know that it will get easier, you have people that care for you, and that it will be alright. There will be good days and there will be bad days, and that's okay. Don't let his leaving change who you are or what you love, because I truly don't believe that's what he'd want (based on this, he still seems to care for you) and it's not what you deserve. Find your happiness, because you deserve it.

    Also, you look lovely.

    xo Kristina Rose
    www.thewhimsicaldays.blogspot.com

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear this, Sammi. My heart really goes out to you. This is earth shattering, and you need to just give yourself some time to heal. We'll all be waiting for you, so don't feel like you have to blog. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and this is just one chapter in your story. The best is still yet to come and years from now, you'll look back on this moment and realize why it had to happen like this. I hope today is a better day. Your pictures are beautiful-especially the ones with the sunlight streaming in:)

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  4. I'm so sorry Sammi. Keep on doing what makes you truly happy, and take care of yourself! And the fact that you could joke about the hearts on your outfit is a good sign, too. You will be fine, even if it seems like the worlds coming to an end right now. And yes, also you do look lovely.

    <333 Midge

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  5. Oh Sammi :( I feel for you, and I hope you're doing alright. It was brave of you to write this post, and I can only imagine how hard it was for you to do so. Each day is a new day, and take them as they come, good or bad. Keep doing what you love and being true to who you are. Time will heal your heart, or help to patch it up.

    xox

    Jana

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  6. Sammi dear, nothing I can say will make things better right now or change the way you feel... this is incredibly heartbreaking. Please just know that you are so very, very loved. Sending you a shoulder to cry on & big hugs. Love, Sara

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  7. Oh Miss Sammi, I am so terribly sorry to hear these. Take all the time you need from the blog world and don't even worry your little mind over it. I really dislike seeing such a bright, cheerful person as yourself in such a desolate mood... you're an incredible lady, and I can only hope that with each passing day you will see a bit clearer and that things will be much less sad. I'm thinking of you! <3

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  8. Oh, so sorry to hear that. Break-ups- especially ones with such depth of feeling and such a time commitment are hard. You will preserve no doubt though. Sending you positive thoughts!

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  9. I had noticed and missed your absence on my reading list (your blog is so colorful and positive, so I look forward to your posts all the time!), and I'm very sorry to hear about this. You are a wonderful lady, and you deserve to be happy. We're all here for you!

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  10. i'm so sorry to hear this. what a horrible feeling, to be blindsighted and heartbroken at once. keep doing what you need to do and hopefully the pain will ease with time!

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  11. I'm so sorry darling Sammi! Losing someone you love can be one of the post painful things we go through in life, I truly do feel for you and will keep you in my prayers! And I am sure that many will agree, we will still be here when you get back to normal posting- take your time!

    Love,

    Alex

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  12. Even though I don't know you in real life, I wish I could give you a big hug. Gah, men. Can't live with em can't live without em. I am sending thoughts of showtunes, rainbows, cotton candy, and sugar plums your way. Best of luck in all your auditions. Do you have a link to your singing/acting? I would love to hear/see you : )

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  13. I hate de yellow color but you look with a lot of life.

    Kiss, Nati
    http://iampoliticallycorrect.blogspot.com/

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  14. I'm very sorry to hear this. :( It brought tears to my eyes. It's such a terribly hard thing to go through. Take your time getting back to your normal posting.

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  15. I'm so sorry that that has happened to you. My boyfriend of four years and I broke up earlier this year, so I understand how it feels to not only have the present, but your planned future crash down around you as well. You'll be in my thoughts, and I know you can get through it! Sending light and love <3

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  16. I am so sorry to hear about your breakup. I totally understand how your heart is breaking right now, but just remember that you are a beautiful, inspiring lady. Just take this time to be independent and figure out yourself. Let me know if there's anything I can do!

    Xo, Hannah

    sweetsweetnoir.net

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  17. Wow, so sorry to hear all the crap you're going through :( I will be praying for you! That really must be awful. Totally understand if posting is sporadic! Anyways...you really do look fabulous :)

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  18. You look beautiful! First and foremost. Secondly, I'm going to email you. Third, if you want or need to talk, don't hesitate! xoxo

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  19. Very nice dress. Great day.

    http://www.fashiondenis.com/

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  20. I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup! That must be so devastating to you. I'm sending happy thoughts and prayers your way!!(: Also...I love your dress! You look adorable!

    ~Vicki
    Decked Out in Ruffles

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  21. You look beautiful.
    I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. Sending positive thoughts your way!

    Rachel

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  22. Oh no! You look SO gorgeous as always, and happy in these photos. You poor thing. I've experienced heartbreak before but never with such a long term relationship! I can imagine it would be even harder and more devastating :( Just know it's ok to hurt and to cry and to not blog when you don't want to. You're right it takes time, which sucks but eventually you'll be through it and it will all be a distant memory. Let me know if you need anything or someone to talk to girl!
    Jessi
    http://haircutandgeneralattitude.blogspot.com

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  23. Breakups are always rough, hang in there! :)
    On the plus side, you look absolutely fabulous in this dress :)

    Hayfa
    http://londonloafers.blogspot.com

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  24. Aw Sammi! I am so, so sorry to hear about your breakup. I hope you're staying strong and that you know that you have such a gigantic support system here in the blog-o-sphere. I just wish I could make everything better!

    If it's any consolation, you look positively gorgeous here. This is my new favorite dress of yours!

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  25. i'm really sorry to hear about his decision. :( i've been through some serious heartbreak in my life as well and although every relationship is different and your pain will be different to mine was, you will be able to get through it. whatever happens if you're meant to find each other again then you will, and although i'm sure you don't want to think about it now or probably for a while yet, this break up could lead to someone or something better in the future that's yet to come your way.

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  26. Dear Sammi- i am so sorry that this happened. You are such an absolutely beautiful, sweet, kind and talented individual- never forget that. This post would never drive me away, I could feel your struggle as I was reading your words and it just made me want to reach out more and let you know that you're not alone and we are all here for you! It will take some time to heal, and it sounds like you are in a healthy place realizing that and letting yourself feel it, it's the only way to truly get through it. Hang in there sweetie, it will get better, and even though it doesn't feel like it right now, great things await you. I am sending you all of my love and positive thoughts! Lovely dress by the way, you always look beautiful no matter what you wear! <3

    xo, Alyssa
    www.butterfliesonmars.blogspot.com

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  27. I'm sorry that you're going through this. :( Heartbreak really is the worst pain. It's worse than any physical pain because you can't get at it. There's no treatment or band aids or creams. The only thing is time, and it's the hardest thing to deal with and conquer...but with time, you will do it. I've been there where you don't expect it at all and suddenly it hits you and you're lost and you end up not eating for a week and feeling like a zombie. If you need or want to talk, you can always e-mail me. <3

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  28. Sending a huge virtual hug your way Sammi. I can't lie and say I know what it feels like, I've somehow gotten extremely fortunate in life in that sense, but seeing a best friend of mine go through this I send you my greatest sympathy. i can understand how strange it must be to go through all the same things w/out steven at your side but do see that time does heal. and really respect that he was able to tell you all of that, it always seem so much more difficult when it wasn't anyone's fault. and I did like that you say you still have your dark sense of humor. and of course you look just gorgeous in this dress in the forest!

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  29. You are the second blogger i've found out this week who is going through a tough break up with a long time boyfriend. It just breaks my heart too. I can't imagine what you must have felt that time. I hope the worst is over and that you are now slowly but surely recuperating. It can only get better from here, i sincerely hope.

    Kathy
    www.mypeachdays.com

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  30. You are the third blogger this week I have seen suffer a break up (myself being one of them.) Therefore rather than turn me away, it has made me want to follow you. Really glad to have found your blog, I think that you are right to stay busy and I hope it helps you, in time.
    http://www.jessicainyourear.blogspot.co.uk/
    xx

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